I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
