i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
