shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
