We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
