A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
