just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
