If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
