I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
