Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
