She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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