1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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