the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
