When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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