The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize