Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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