Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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