i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
