I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
