How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize