You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
