what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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