letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
