You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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