i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
