hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I looked at my own cervix.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
