Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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