this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
