I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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