they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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