I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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