3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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