btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
