he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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