Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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