I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
