I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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