I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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