On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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