We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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