guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
