I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
