either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Randomize
