watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
If its not for food we ain't going out.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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