im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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