there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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