my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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