I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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