just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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