I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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