i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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