I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
