two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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