He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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