bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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