and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
not ubering you a puppy
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
