I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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