That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
