THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
