my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
