I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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