you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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