I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
