I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
