why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
