i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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