I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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