He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
