I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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